Understanding the relationship of Boundaries to Resentment has been one of the most important awakenings of my life, so far.
Becoming a mother stirred up so much resentment for me. Some of it was mine and some of it, I know, was my mother’s and her mother’s and all mother’s throughout all of time. The role of motherhood is all consuming.. at least at first. I was blind-sided by how much work landed on me, and even with a super supportive Daddy by my side, I felt overwhelmed and like I was doing everything. I felt so much resentment that it clouded my ability to really enjoy having a beautiful, healthy baby.
Through her research, Brene Brown found that the most compassionate people are also those that have the healthiest boundaries with others. That when we take care of our own needs, speak our truth, say yes when we mean yes, and no when we mean no, we can more easily reside in the worldview that everyone is genuinely doing the best they can, in each moment. When we believe this, and offer this generous perspective with others.. we are able to be more empathetic and compassionate with them. However, when we are not honoring our needs, when we are over extending ourselves, not speaking up about our truth, desires, and expectations…resentment builds.
In fact each time we choose not to honor ourselves, agree to do something that’s not in alignment with our truth and values, or value others over ourselves, we give a little piece of ourselves away.. and if we continue to live like this.. eventually we have given so much of ourselves away, that we’re pissed off at those around us.
The thing is, it’s not anyone’s fault but our own. I learned, eventually, that no one is going to to save me from my overwhelm as a new mother, or as a human being in this tumultuous time on planet earth. No one is going to come rub my back and say, hey.. why don’t you take the weekend off and go camping in the woods. It’s up to me to speak up for my needs and be proactive about getting them met.
I’ve recognized the pattern within myself to take on too much, let others slack off and then be pissed about it. Deep down, this is connected to my childhood experiences, and my fear that if I don’t do things for others, I may not be loved by them. I have learned to love myself and offer the love that I seek from others, to myself. Now, even though it’s uncomfortable to say ‘no, I don’t want to do that’, I am willing to sit in the discomfort, and perhaps guilt, of this moment, because I know how it feels not to honor my truth. I know I am loved and I want to engage in friendships where both sides are willing to be honest about their truth and trust that the other person can be honest as well. After all, who wants a favor done for them, when a whole bunch of resentment is going to come along with it.
Each time I stand up for myself, refuse to book a client on my days off, choose to miss a party and stay home when I’m feeling like I need some alone time, or decline a request to babysit someone else’s kid..I reclaim a small part of myself.. and bit by bit, piece by piece (yeah, just like that Kelly Clarkson song), I become whole again.
I call all of my power back to me now.
I honor myself by speaking my truth.
It is safe to express myself honestly.
I am loved.